Friday, February 25, 2005

goals and i'm too lazy to finish. more late! 

It's so nice to know where your going. Especially during a time in your life when someone had turned out the lights. I, like a bat, had turned on the sonar, and now i can finally see a destination. There is infact a world ahead of me, instead of a wall. in a past few months and years it really seemed like i new what was going on with my life. it's like walking out the door only to discover it's really a wall.

It wasn't until i had to write an essay that i seriously knew what to do with my life. I had to goals; and i guess i couldn't ever really be happy because i had no real clue on what would actually make me happy. Sounds confusing, i know. Here's the story:

When i applied to college, i had to create a portfolio for the program that i wanted to apply to.(photography) So i found and narrowed down pictures that i wanted to put into it, which was a grueling task. then i had to write an essay about what was my goal in the photographic field.

It took me ages to find out what i wanted to do with my life. There was many a night where i would sit at the computer chair and contemplate what the hell i wanted to do, i guess, when i grew up.

"When I Grow Up." it seems so childish to say such things but it is true, i haven't yet grown up. I make pennies at work. i don't really have any hobbies as of yet, shy of playing video games, watching movies, surfing the weeeb, and other junk like that. i need real grown up hobbies.

Anyway it's late and i don't really want to write then when i could really rather go to bed. this is the essay to what i want to do with my life: (revised and edited by my girlfriend MT)

I have many goals I would like to achieve over the span of my photographic career. After studying the opportunities photography offers, I have recognized there are many different ways in which I could use it to help me achieve my main goal.
Upon graduating, I plan to begin my career by offering my services as a wedding and portrait photographer. This would also give me the opportunity to try out an idea of mine….candid portrait photography. In this case, a client would hire me to follow them around and fire the shutter as they go about their day. I believe the finest photographs are taken when the subject is allowed to be entirely natural—genuine emotion can be expressed and caught on film. As such, the resulting portraits would be spontaneous and unique, a welcome change from stiff, fake looking, posed photographs.
During this time, I would also like to try working as a photographer for local newspapers and magazines. Not only would this give me exposure and photographic experience, it would enable me to make some money while working toward my main photographic goal.
This is when I would take the next big step, and open a gallery/studio. This would be a joint effort with a student in Sheridan’s Crafts and Design program who has expressed interest in the matter. My hometown is very touristy and as such, there is a big market for the area art. I feel it would be an appropriate place to pursue such an endeavor.
However, this is not all. This same town, though cultured enough to have a reasonable art community, was disappointing for an aspiring photographer. There was nothing available to help a curious person get started—not even the high school offered any courses on photography. As a student, I found it very frustrating that all my knowledge had to come from books and self teaching, which can only get a person so far. Here is where my main goal comes in. As an extension of the studio/gallery, I would like to offer classes and workshops teaching the fundamentals of photography to other would be photographers in the area. I feel this is something my town is truly lacking, and I would love to be given the chance to provide opportunities to others there that I did not have myself.

better years await us... rustedhalo


Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I recently discovered the awesomeness of photoshop. this is my very first piece. not bad for my first hour on the program.
Midnite Dawn Photography


Thursday, February 17, 2005

maybe there's a reason why i'm born again 

Another night. my head clouded by various ales and other stuff. such an interesting night.

The cross roads lay ahead of me. what do i do? This decision i make shall effect others around me, and not just myself. There are mulitple paths that i could walk this summer, and each one provides itself with many advantages and disadvanages....

have you ever wanted to make contact with your past? There have been many times of late where i have wanted to. i wanted to reach out into the darkness of the past and reach into nothingness and grab a piece. grapple any little bit, any little morsel of my past and hang on to it. study it for the future. to find out what it means. to find out why it troubles me so. to find out why it troubles me to live on. to just find out.

many of you do not have this problem. you seem to have all your shit in order. you don't get walked over such as i. There seems to be many a situation where this happens to me. where there is a problem where it is not my fault where i somehow get blamed or some how get chiseled out of something.
Well, i've had e'fucking'nough. i'm through getting walked over. i'm tried of being seen as a fool. i will no longer be afraid of what needs to be done. i will just do it. this is a warning to my friends and family that i will no longer tolerate being steamrolled over. it's over, me and timidness.

it's strange to think that some people, even people that you used to know, people that you used to adore, seem to isolate themselves from you, just sever the ties you once held.

better years await us...rustedhalo


Sunday, February 13, 2005

Christmas Island 


Things are looking up.

Have you ever looked at your horoscope and told yourself that ahh, it's too general it could happen to anyone. But then you get days when your horoscope says something that would be pretty hard to generalize such as "you will meet an old friend or an old friend will contact you to renew ties?" It's strange how somedays your horoscope seems to be totally off, and other days it seems like the guy who writes the astroglogy article seems to follow you around to predict what will happen in your life.
I'm not quite sure what to think about when i hear about horoscope. sometimes i think it is a big sack of nonesense, and it is indeed for 'amusement purposes only.' However, there are days like two days ago for example when it is hard to believe that that horoscope was written for anyone else but myself.

Anyway to get to the point of this story, usually i read the horoscope on the way to work, seeing as i get the free paper that commuters get to read on their bus/train ride or whatever. However, this time i didn't have time to read it because i was late for work or something. Anyway my horoscope, which i read after work on the way home, said,
"Aries (march 21 - april 19) Today is an 8 - A lucky twist of fate has re-united you with friends. go ahead and make commitments."
So then, whist i was at work, a waitress told me that someone called for me, a friend that i used to work with back at ESM huntsville, whom i haven't talked with since i left huntsville, pretty much. I couldn't get a hold of this guy either because it was like he dropped off the face of the planet too. so it was profound when i read about this in my horoscope on the way home.
so yeah. Is astrology something that could be real? or is it merely a coincidence?

I've applied to schools and now all that is left is to put together my portfolio. Should be a pretty easy task hopefully. All i have to do is write an essay about why i want to be in photography, and what my goal are in this field. Should be easy right? Well, n ot exactly. I'm not entirely sure of why i want to be in photography. Well besides the fact that i like it. But if that were the case, i like computers, but you don't see me striving for a degree in programing. There's gotta be something more in me that wants photography. Something that i have to find within me and i gotta write about it. However, i do not know what it is. I think more than anything, i just want to be in school again. doing school stuff. worrying about deadlines, not the horribleness of work.

still though, i guess i could just go to Christmas Island.

better years await us...rustedhalo


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